The year is 1972 and you're a career gal on the move, but you haven't quite made it to the corner office yet. You'll do what it takes to get there—sign whatever infernal contracts are thrust before your piercing green eyes—but right now you are still doing time in the Steno Pool. Sigh!
Consequently you are stuck at work on a Tuesday, AND IT'S HALLOWEEN. How are you going to get ahead at this rate?! You haven't even had time to paint your nails black, let alone whip up something sinister for the midnight potluck after Black Mass! What's a girl to do???
Never fear. I have unlocked the door to freedom and pleasure, and oh!
the dark delights that await you in the recipe box of the Devil! Step in, my pretty, step in...
1 tbsp. chopped onion
2 tbsp. butter
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. paprika
1/8 tsp. mace
1/4 tsp. allspice
2 cups chicken bouillon
2 cups milk
1 cup cooked pumpkin
1 cup heavy cream
2 or 3 tbsp. sherry
In a saucepan lightly sauté onion in butter. Stir in flour until smooth and add milk, bouillon, and spices. Bring to a boil and add pumpkin. Simmer for about 25 minutes. Add cream. Cover and heat, but do not boil. Stir in sherry and serve either very hot or very cold. Serves 6.
That sounds delicious! And seductive! What should an enterprising gal serve (in a silver chalice, of course) to wash it down?
Damiana comes in a bottle that looks something like an Aztec fertility goddess. Inside the rounded breasts, buttocks, and thighs, you'll find what is reputed to be an aphrodisiac. This liqueur comes from Mexico, and until recently its import was illegal. It may be hard to find, but that suggestive bottle may make it well worth the search.
Naughty! And I thought the recipe served six?? (Why not 13!) Oh well, this is
the Seventies. But what if one needs something a bit more hardcore, something a bit more ... diabolical. Let's venture on.
3 grams aenanthol
50 grams extract of opium
30 grams extract of betel
6 grams extract of cinqfoil
15 grams extract of henbane
15 grams extract of ordinary hemlock
250 grams extract of Indian hemp
1 pinch of powdered sugar
1 pinch of gum tragacanth
Mix the above into a smooth ointment. For external use only ; extremely dangerous.
Now you're talking. But whoa, bummer. We seem to be ALL OUT OF HENBANE. How in Hades could the winsome witch have anticipated the need? If only there were a comprehensive guide to stocking the cupboards of the covenstead...
Spell-Makers Shopping List
Bats Blood Brand Oil: Nice for spells that have to be written, as it can be used like ordinary ink. So far, no impregnated ball point pens are available.
Chinese Oil: The cleaning of hands is very important before spell-making. This is a good deodorant-detergent preparation to keep evil away.
Cleopatra Oil: This alluring scented oil has a subtle enchanting power. A dab behind the ears, underneath the arms and between the fingers will transform you into a mobile spell-binder.
Incense: Never let the stock go low. Keep a good selection to meet with the moods.
A stock of colored candles
Ginseng root (Korean if possible)
A few Herbs for coloring are always useful such as madder for redness, saffron for varying yellowish shades, Sumac leaves for brown and Blue Malva for blue.
Linen-faced notepaper, because parchment is not so easily obtained. Store away from light preferably in a cupboard which is not easily accessible to other members of the family.
Cool! Now let's look for some more spells to cast. Oooh, here's one!
To Raise the Dead
Mix together spermaceti, lignum aloes, pepper, musk, saffron, red storax, and the blood of a lapwing. Burn them in a cemetery at night, and you shall see strange spirits.
Fun! But what if our supple sorceress was looking for more of a chips-'n'-dip type of spell. Something to whip up in anticipation of her broomstick ride?
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I am not going to tell you what she says to do with a beeswax candle.
Now fellas, if you've read through all this advice for the Daughters of Darkness, I know what you're thinking, because it's one of the central insecurities of my own existence: Am I nothing more than a sex toy? No!
You are so much more. You are a master sorcerer, psychologist, body language-ologist, and aphrodisiacal gunslinger! You, sir, are a Weekend Warlock!
The Devil's Meat
1 pound ground round
1/2 teaspoon powdered ginger
2 teaspoons black pepper
2 teaspoons butter
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
Dash Tabasco sauce
2 tablespoons cognac
Blend the first seven ingredients and form into four patties. Cook these quickly in a skillet, turning when they are brown on the underside. Then, for a creative touch, add the cognac and light it. The congnac and ginger should set your lady afire long after the flames have died down.
That sounds a lot like a hamburger. Got anything more romantic?
Double Trouble Shrimp
1 pound shrimp, still in the shell
1 can beer
1 clove garlic
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon celery salt; black pepper to taste
1/4 teaspoon mace
2 tablespoons parsley
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon paprika
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Let all the ingredients except shrimp simmer until they reach a rolling boil. Then, drop the shrimp into your brew, for precisely three minutes, drain, and serve them in a basket with a linen napkin. As she picks them up with her dainty fingers, don't let on that she will soon be swallowing an ancient magic potion.
Easy there, Dr. Bombay! You may be a warlock now, but don't go spilling your magic potion before it's ... uh ...
OK, that's about enough filth from me for a whole entire year. Happy Halloween!