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Seven Obsidian Candlesticks.

The year is 1972 and you're a career gal on the move, but you haven't quite made it to the corner office yet. You'll do what it takes to get there—sign whatever infernal contracts are thrust before your piercing green eyes—but right now you are still doing time in the Steno Pool. Sigh! Consequently you are stuck at work on a Tuesday, AND IT'S HALLOWEEN. How are you going to get ahead at this rate?! You haven't even had time to paint your nails black, let alone whip up something sinister for the midnight potluck after Black Mass! What's a girl to do???

Never fear. I have unlocked the door to freedom and pleasure, and oh! the dark delights that await you in the recipe box of the Devil! Step in, my pretty, step in...

How to Become a Sensuous Witch

Samhain Soup

1 tbsp. chopped onion
2 tbsp. butter
2 tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. paprika
1/8 tsp. mace
1/4 tsp. allspice
2 cups chicken bouillon
2 cups milk
1 cup cooked pumpkin
1 cup heavy cream
2 or 3 tbsp. sherry

In a saucepan lightly sauté onion in butter. Stir in flour until smooth and add milk, bouillon, and spices. Bring to a boil and add pumpkin. Simmer for about 25 minutes. Add cream. Cover and heat, but do not boil. Stir in sherry and serve either very hot or very cold. Serves 6.

That sounds delicious! And seductive! What should an enterprising gal serve (in a silver chalice, of course) to wash it down?

The Weekend Witch

Damiana comes in a bottle that looks something like an Aztec fertility goddess. Inside the rounded breasts, buttocks, and thighs, you'll find what is reputed to be an aphrodisiac. This liqueur comes from Mexico, and until recently its import was illegal. It may be hard to find, but that suggestive bottle may make it well worth the search.

Naughty! And I thought the recipe served six?? (Why not 13!) Oh well, this is the Seventies. But what if one needs something a bit more hardcore, something a bit more ... diabolical. Let's venture on.

Cauldron Cookery

Satanic Electuary

3 grams aenanthol
50 grams extract of opium
30 grams extract of betel
6 grams extract of cinqfoil
15 grams extract of henbane
15 grams extract of ordinary hemlock
250 grams extract of Indian hemp
1 pinch of powdered sugar
1 pinch of gum tragacanth

Mix the above into a smooth ointment. For external use only ; extremely dangerous.

Now you're talking. But whoa, bummer. We seem to be ALL OUT OF HENBANE. How in Hades could the winsome witch have anticipated the need? If only there were a comprehensive guide to stocking the cupboards of the covenstead...

Oh, look!

Cast Your Own Spell

Spell-Makers Shopping List

Bats Blood Brand Oil: Nice for spells that have to be written, as it can be used like ordinary ink. So far, no impregnated ball point pens are available.

Chinese Oil: The cleaning of hands is very important before spell-making. This is a good deodorant-detergent preparation to keep evil away.

Cleopatra Oil: This alluring scented oil has a subtle enchanting power. A dab behind the ears, underneath the arms and between the fingers will transform you into a mobile spell-binder.

Incense: Never let the stock go low. Keep a good selection to meet with the moods.

Mandrake Root
A stock of colored candles
Ginseng root (Korean if possible)
Coriander seed
Celery seed
Cardamom seed
Lavender flowers
Rose petals
A few Herbs for coloring are always useful such as madder for redness, saffron for varying yellowish shades, Sumac leaves for brown and Blue Malva for blue.
Dragon's Blood
Cumin seed
Orris root
Linen-faced notepaper, because parchment is not so easily obtained. Store away from light preferably in a cupboard which is not easily accessible to other members of the family.

Cool! Now let's look for some more spells to cast. Oooh, here's one!

Witches' Potions and Spells

To Raise the Dead

Mix together spermaceti, lignum aloes, pepper, musk, saffron, red storax, and the blood of a lapwing. Burn them in a cemetery at night, and you shall see strange spirits.

Fun! But what if our supple sorceress was looking for more of a chips-'n'-dip type of spell. Something to whip up in anticipation of her broomstick ride?

The Naked Witch

Meat Magic

Try to acquire a sensitivity for cooking glandular meats. With their succulence, you can reproduce the general taste, feel, and texture of a man's penis. When I resorted to emphasizing such treats, I had no trouble getting the phallus of a desirable warlock into my mouth. Roasting, baking, and stewing, my carnal love for him became so obsessive, I cast the spell which made us red-blooded lovers with staying power. Ensnaring a lover with foodcharms, however, makes it very difficult to forget him after the affair is over. After my lover and I parted, I thought of him every time I cooked. I couldn't get the taste of him out of my food.

I am not going to tell you what she says to do with a beeswax candle.

Now fellas, if you've read through all this advice for the Daughters of Darkness, I know what you're thinking, because it's one of the central insecurities of my own existence: Am I nothing more than a sex toy? No! You are so much more. You are a master sorcerer, psychologist, body language-ologist, and aphrodisiacal gunslinger! You, sir, are a Weekend Warlock!

The Weekend Warlock

The Devil's Meat

1 pound ground round
1/2 teaspoon powdered ginger
2 teaspoons black pepper
2 teaspoons butter
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
Dash Tabasco sauce
2 tablespoons cognac

Blend the first seven ingredients and form into four patties. Cook these quickly in a skillet, turning when they are brown on the underside. Then, for a creative touch, add the cognac and light it. The congnac and ginger should set your lady afire long after the flames have died down.

That sounds a lot like a hamburger. Got anything more romantic?
Double Trouble Shrimp

1 pound shrimp, still in the shell
1 can beer
1 clove garlic
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon celery salt; black pepper to taste
1/4 teaspoon mace
2 tablespoons parsley
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon paprika
2 tablespoons lemon juice

Let all the ingredients except shrimp simmer until they reach a rolling boil. Then, drop the shrimp into your brew, for precisely three minutes, drain, and serve them in a basket with a linen napkin. As she picks them up with her dainty fingers, don't let on that she will soon be swallowing an ancient magic potion.

Easy there, Dr. Bombay! You may be a warlock now, but don't go spilling your magic potion before it's ... uh ...

OK, that's about enough filth from me for a whole entire year. Happy Halloween!


( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 31st, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
There is quite a difference between the witch on the cover of "How to Become a Sensous Witch" and the witch on the cover of "Caldron Cookery"!! And that Naked Witch sure is dirrrrty!!
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
The Naked Witch gets even dirtier! There's a whole section on reading signs of personality on the skin ... not palm-reading, but scrotum-reading! And I dare not transcribe the blasphemies associated with the Black Mass.
(no subject) - ahuckle - Oct. 31st, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 31st, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)

Though, I have the hardest time keeping that extract of opium in stock...
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:05 pm (UTC)
It's true, the extract of opium doesn't tend to keep too long...

Oh well, at least we only need ordinary hemlock and not the imported stuff.
Oct. 31st, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)

happy halloween.
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:07 pm (UTC)
To you as well. I hope your festivities are devilish.
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:10 pm (UTC)
Amazing! Hope you don't mind if I link?
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
Feel free, frater. As free as one liberally anointed with the Satanic electuary!
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:32 pm (UTC)
this is so hilarious!
my extra-favorite part is that the naked witch's name was not quite hippie/witchy enough; it's not just darlene, but GAY-darlene. what an amazing name.
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
And it's not like most modern witches of 1972 go by their own names, even. It's all about the Witch Name! See, Babetta has it figured out...

(While I'm pulling out the LPs, do check out the amazing inner sleeve art for Coven's Blood on the Snow. Glamorous gloom!)
Oct. 31st, 2006 06:51 pm (UTC)
oops, that was me!
Oct. 31st, 2006 07:04 pm (UTC)
It's the same illustrator that did Fletcher and Zenobia! Drawing pictures for a book with recipes involving "Blood (of the monthly moon"! Truly and totally Satanic.
Oct. 31st, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC)
PLEASE NEVER TAKE THIS POST DOWN. i cant stop laughing.

also: Easy there, Dr. Bombay! -that was awesome.
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:05 pm (UTC)
You should come over—we can have a witchcraft party in the reading room!
(no subject) - bird - Oct. 31st, 2006 08:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - scythrop - Oct. 31st, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - bird - Nov. 1st, 2006 12:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
abragail... i love it!!!!
Oct. 31st, 2006 11:23 pm (UTC)
It can be your Witch Name, for when you make Samhain Soup! (Which actually does sound good and I think we are having it for dinner tonight.)
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:35 pm (UTC)
omg, the first one... i was thinking that i need it so it can live between my sybil leek book (same font, orange cover) and my xaviera books. and then i scrolled down!!! i can't take it all in right now; i'll have to read later when i can absorb. but how is it that i only have one of these?
Oct. 31st, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)
I think the Naked Witch is a better amalgamation of Sibyl and Xaviera, though HtBaSW does have the best recipes.

My friend Tanith and I tried to contact Sibyl Leek in elementary school. By using a Ouija board. Before she was even dead. We just assumed she'd have a direct line...
Nov. 1st, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
HOLY HOLY. this is too much. the sensuous witch in particular. i knew there was a reason why i felt the need the check livejournal right this very instant - even though i am sitting on a balcony on chartres, staring at the new orleans moon! OH. i do love you.
happy hallows,
Nov. 1st, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)
A Crescent City All Hallows! Now I'm the one swooning. Have a sensuously sinister one!
Nov. 1st, 2006 01:03 am (UTC)
all hail!

best hallo'een entry EVER.
Nov. 1st, 2006 02:57 am (UTC)
i love it! now i want a library of these books....
Nov. 1st, 2006 05:19 am (UTC)
All you need is the Little Golden Book of magic mushrooms (or maybe the title used psychdelic?) and you have a full library. OMG, I want!!
Nov. 1st, 2006 02:50 pm (UTC)
can i please please add you? i found you through anthropologic doing random net jumping and i've been sitting here reading for close to an hour. figured i better use good lj etiquette and ask first.
Nov. 1st, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
But of course!
Nov. 1st, 2006 03:16 pm (UTC)
That's great! Bravo!
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( 31 comments — Leave a comment )